"you're not alone"- drabble, trailer by avsongbird

You're not alone

               I want to find other people like me. I want to find the ones who go about their lives like they're normal, like there's nothing special or different about them. The ones who go to work and school and go about their day like they don't have a million different things on their mind.

               I want to find the secret outcasts, the ones who never quite felt like they fit in. The ones who speak more eloquently on paper even on their worst days than they ever do in conversation.

               The ones who curl up with their laptop at night and create infinity with their fingers. The ones who scribble notes onto a napkin in the middle of restaurants. The ones who write hundreds of stories and thousands of pages they're too self-conscious to dream of sharing with anyone else because they're afraid of rejection, of mockery and ridicule.

               The ones who dream of more... of endless possibilities.

               The creators, the dreamers, the thinkers, the wishers, the imaginers.

               The ones who, like me, fall in love with people and places that never existed outside the reality we live in every day.       

               I'd love to find a way to bring them out to play, even if it's within the safe black and white confines of the world wide "why not". I'd love to make them dare to think of "what if". To show them that there are others out there like them, dreaming, writing, painting, singing...

               Creating.

               To show them that they are not alone.

               I want to share my secret worlds with them; I want to share the vision, the dream. I want to reach deep inside them and make them feel. I want to make YOU feel.

               I want the interaction, the passion, the energy. I want to give them a place to come and be inspired to create, to share, to fuel their passions and walk away feeling better.

               I want to show you that it's not as scary as you think it is. Don't get me wrong-- I've always been an introvert. To this day, I'm still shy... at first. But once people get to know me, I'm a royal smart-ass, sarcastic, love to laugh and dance and sing and have fun. I'm a nerd and I love nerd things, and an all around goofball. I'm a card-carrying member of more than a couple of fandoms (and no, if I don't know you personally, I'm not telling you what they are, though as you get to know me, you'll more than likely figure it out at some point haha.)

               The thought of going public, of putting myself out there, my writing, my face, my voice, is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. And though I'll admit the video logs and sharing my feelings through my blogs are getting easier as the days pass, as the numbers continue to go up I still feel that stab of nervous fear every time I go to post a video, blog, story, drabble.

               I hope I never lose that feeling, because that feeling keeps me in check. It keeps me humble.

               If you make your way here, and you find yourself feeling better at knowing you're not alone-- that there's other people out there like you, like us-- then I'm glad. That's why I'm here. If my scaring the hell out of myself and putting myself out there makes you feel a little less afraid at the thought of reaching out and finding understanding and a little bit of peace and a sense of belonging, then I'm glad. And I honestly hope you find it in yourself to reach out and let me know if I helped you.

               I know how scary it can be to put yourself out there, your face, your picture, your name, your words. The world's a big place, and I know not everyone out there is as accepting or understanding as we wish they were. And I'm ready for that. At least, I hope I am.

               So I understand if you want to comment on my work, to share your ideas about it and your thoughts and that maybe you feel nervous at the thought of putting it out there for everyone to see. I know that feeling all too well. That's why I understood from the start that making a separate email where any of you could contact me away from the public eye to tell me what you thought or to introduce yourself to me would hopefully make you feel better, safer, and more at ease.

              You're not alone. You never were. And if that thought makes you feel better at knowing it, then I'm glad. 

Crisis and Fear

In my life, I've found that, when faced with a real crisis, the easiest way to deal with stress and/or fear is to stop where you are and let it have an unimpeded moment to rule you, to take over.
Let it in, familiarize yourself with the feeling, saturate yourself in it, and give it time to pass. 5 minutes, 10.
Then cast it aside and continue on.
If you don't, it will lurk at the back of your mind through everything-- clouding your thoughts and subconsciously influencing your decisions, your every step.
If you give the fear and stress the time and attention they deserve, you'll be done with them and move on, the whole situation easier to deal with as you come at it with new eyes, a clear mind and a cool head.
With that taken care of, I've always sat down by myself late at night and made a list of what I had to do for each situation, numbering each item by level of importance, then looking at each item as a separate event, following through with each, then striking it out with a single line once each step was complete.
I'm not saying it works for everyone-- I'm not that pompous or egomaniacal. I'm just saying it works for me.

Why would anyone read this? No really. lol.

I sat down to write my blog for today and (not for the first time since I considered starting a blog) I found myself asking myself why. Why would I do this? Why did I feel the need to publish my thoughts online for strangers to read? And more than that, why would they read them?

You want to know the truth? It's because it scares me to death. 

All my life I've loved words and what they could do, and I've loved seeing what I could do with them. I've loved sharing them with people and seeing how people reacted to what came out of my head. It was so surreal, to see people laughing or crying or otherwise reacting to what I wrote, on a person to person basis. 

I've written stories for people, I've written poetry and songs for people, and it felt natural at the time, it felt right. I've written stories and poetry and songs WITH other people, and I've laughed more than I thought possible collaborating with others who know what it is to feel driven to write (You know who you are, and you're amazing!). It's amazing, the energy, the vibe you get when you're working with people who share your passion like that. It's incredible. I hope to do much more of it in the future. 

But the thought of sharing such a personal part of me, something that's just me, no censors, no filters, no editors beyond myself, no collaborators, no smoke, no mirrors-- just me and my words left to stand on their own-- with people on a large scale across the digital world is a very scary thought. So the idea of having people beyond my small circle of family and friends read my words scares me half to death. 

But I feel like I have to do this. Because over the years, as I've met more writers, more artists, more people in general throughout the course of my life, I've come to realize something--

I'm not the only one who's afraid of putting myself out there. 

I've met artists with incredible talent and potential-- writers, singers, painters, carpenters among them-- who never felt they were "good enough" or "talented enough" to put themselves out there. That were scared to death of the failure they convinced themselves was inevitable. 

And the thought that maybe if I take that risk, maybe someone, somewhere out there might stumble across my words and think "hey, if she's scared to death, and she's doing it anyway, maybe I can, too."  

Because you can only learn so much from books, from school, from training, and teachers. Eventually, you have to let go of those guard-rails, and you have to step out on your own, with your head held high, and you have to think, "You know what? I've got this." And maybe your risk will pay off, and maybe it won't. But even if you fail, at the end of the day, you can look back and remember the fact that you had the guts to step out in the first place, and realize that even that is more than the people who never took that risk. 

That in taking that risk-- even if you don't get the trophy, even if you fall on your face, or you're laughed and mocked-- was a success that no one can take away from you. 

I know I'm not the best writer on the planet, not by a long shot, and I'd never claim to be. All I can do is put out the best work I can, and hope it finds the people it was meant to find, and that it entertains them as it's always entertained me. 

That's why the blog. That's why I'm facing my fear. Because my desire to share my passion with others and to entertain them and maybe help them to face their fears or even to just enjoy my work and forget their problems for awhile far outweighs my fear of failure, of mockery. 

Because even making one person smile or laugh or to not feel down or alone with my work, is enough to make it worth it for me to do this. 

who are you?

How much...do you really know... about the ones you love?


How much can we REALLY claim to know...about anyone?


For that matter, while we're on the subject, look in the mirror.


No, really look. Deeper. Rest your palms flat on the countertop, take a deep breath, hold it, and lean in.


Nearly touch your nose to the glass, but not quite.


Gaze into your reflected eyes, and REALLY take a good, long, hard look at the person staring back at you.


Drink in the one before you and look again to your eyes.


What things do you find yourself realizing about the thoughts and emotions swimming just inside those eyes?


Who is the person looking back at you? Is it the person you are all day, everyday as you wander this world, or is it the person you hide away in privacy-- unwilling to bring them into the sunlight?


Perhaps you fear that no one will accept this thing you hide-- this person that you are.


But why are you afraid? Why indeed. And why should you feel the need to be so? What would happen, if you shed your skin, stepped out of your facade like a tattered terrycloth robe, and let it all fall away, leaving you naked and terrified and new before this world, your eyes shut tight as you wait for what could perhaps be horror, or worse-- laughter and mockery.


Now, in this-- the moment of your realization of self-- think on what you have done to get here. Do you admit that you have lost yourself in the past, falling in with the crowd when you could have dared to be different, because you weren't sure that different had much of a good ring to it?


When you risk nothing, what can you ever hope to really gain?


What indeed.


Who are you? Ask yourself this question, and mean it as you gaze into your own reflected eyes. Say it aloud, feel the power of those three small words.


Who.. are.. you?


What words come to your mind at that moment, what feelings bubble up from the darkest depths of your deepest soul?


Are you what you have allowed yourself to be all your life? Or have you denied yourself things that you feel you didn't deserve, because someone said you weren't ever really good enough or weren't pretty enough or young or old or smart enough?


Forget them in this, your rebirth. Forget them, and shut them all out.


Your life is not theirs. Your life, your heart, your soul-- these things are all in your keeping alone.


And you-- in all your glory, in all your splendor-- YOU.... are... beautiful. Not perfect-- oh no, no never that, thank heavens. Who wants perfect, when flaws can make you so much more YOU?


But nonetheless, you ... are beautiful. You are unique. In all the ages of the world, in all the years and all the movement of all the planets in the universe.... for all time: there will NEVER be another you.


No one will ever see the world as you see it; no one will ever feel anything the way that you feel it.


That's quite an amazing thought, isn't it-- for you to gaze into the mirror at such a rare thing, such a uniquely beautiful and fragile thing... as you are, and to see yourself gazing out.


So, who are you? Who are you, to dare to be yourself in this world, where fitting in is such an acceptable thing?


The question should never be this.


The question SHOULD be,


who are you, who dare NOT to be?