On Being Lonely- a drabble from my blog read audiobook style on my youtube channel

"you're not alone"- drabble, trailer by avsongbird

Alone

Alone

I can hear the wind howling
Over the snow.
Where sheer cliffs drop off
Into caverns below.
A lone soul lost bends against the wind,
And wonders if he'll ever see home again.

One set of prints lost in the deepening snow,
If he stumbles and falls
Will they ever know?
Drops to his knees beneath silent trees,
How he misses his loved ones
In moments like these.

But he's alone out there now, beneath the moon and the pines,
It's been weeks since he left it all behind.
Alone with the snow, with the wind, and the cold,
If he stumbles, if he falls,
Will they ever know?

Angels, Demons

Angels, Demons

By Jen K.

If you don't appeal to my angels,

You'll awaken my demons,

They await me in the night, in the dark.

And if I'm not vigilant as the night grows colder

They'll drive their daggers deep into my heart.

I feed my demons when I'm alone, when I'm afraid.

I hear them best when I'm lonely, when I'm lost.

Then I'm left to clean up whatever messes they make,

Left behind to bear the burden, and the cost. 

You're not alone

               I want to find other people like me. I want to find the ones who go about their lives like they're normal, like there's nothing special or different about them. The ones who go to work and school and go about their day like they don't have a million different things on their mind.

               I want to find the secret outcasts, the ones who never quite felt like they fit in. The ones who speak more eloquently on paper even on their worst days than they ever do in conversation.

               The ones who curl up with their laptop at night and create infinity with their fingers. The ones who scribble notes onto a napkin in the middle of restaurants. The ones who write hundreds of stories and thousands of pages they're too self-conscious to dream of sharing with anyone else because they're afraid of rejection, of mockery and ridicule.

               The ones who dream of more... of endless possibilities.

               The creators, the dreamers, the thinkers, the wishers, the imaginers.

               The ones who, like me, fall in love with people and places that never existed outside the reality we live in every day.       

               I'd love to find a way to bring them out to play, even if it's within the safe black and white confines of the world wide "why not". I'd love to make them dare to think of "what if". To show them that there are others out there like them, dreaming, writing, painting, singing...

               Creating.

               To show them that they are not alone.

               I want to share my secret worlds with them; I want to share the vision, the dream. I want to reach deep inside them and make them feel. I want to make YOU feel.

               I want the interaction, the passion, the energy. I want to give them a place to come and be inspired to create, to share, to fuel their passions and walk away feeling better.

               I want to show you that it's not as scary as you think it is. Don't get me wrong-- I've always been an introvert. To this day, I'm still shy... at first. But once people get to know me, I'm a royal smart-ass, sarcastic, love to laugh and dance and sing and have fun. I'm a nerd and I love nerd things, and an all around goofball. I'm a card-carrying member of more than a couple of fandoms (and no, if I don't know you personally, I'm not telling you what they are, though as you get to know me, you'll more than likely figure it out at some point haha.)

               The thought of going public, of putting myself out there, my writing, my face, my voice, is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. And though I'll admit the video logs and sharing my feelings through my blogs are getting easier as the days pass, as the numbers continue to go up I still feel that stab of nervous fear every time I go to post a video, blog, story, drabble.

               I hope I never lose that feeling, because that feeling keeps me in check. It keeps me humble.

               If you make your way here, and you find yourself feeling better at knowing you're not alone-- that there's other people out there like you, like us-- then I'm glad. That's why I'm here. If my scaring the hell out of myself and putting myself out there makes you feel a little less afraid at the thought of reaching out and finding understanding and a little bit of peace and a sense of belonging, then I'm glad. And I honestly hope you find it in yourself to reach out and let me know if I helped you.

               I know how scary it can be to put yourself out there, your face, your picture, your name, your words. The world's a big place, and I know not everyone out there is as accepting or understanding as we wish they were. And I'm ready for that. At least, I hope I am.

               So I understand if you want to comment on my work, to share your ideas about it and your thoughts and that maybe you feel nervous at the thought of putting it out there for everyone to see. I know that feeling all too well. That's why I understood from the start that making a separate email where any of you could contact me away from the public eye to tell me what you thought or to introduce yourself to me would hopefully make you feel better, safer, and more at ease.

              You're not alone. You never were. And if that thought makes you feel better at knowing it, then I'm glad. 

On Being Lonely

               Do you know what it's like to be lonely? Not every day run of the mill lonely. Everyone knows that.

               I'm talking about deeply, desperately, achingly, "staring out the window wondering if there's a single person alive who is at that moment missing your company or thinking of you at all and knowing that there isn't and hasn't been for a long time" kind of lonely.

               The kind with no end in sight.

               What you wouldn't do-- what you wouldn't give-- to not be lonely, even for a moment. Sometimes it scares you to think about it.

               I've been lonely most of my life. Don't get me wrong. I've had friends, I've had family. I still have family, and friends, both of which show up on occasion. I've got people in my life.

               But you can be in a room full of people, with crowds of people in your life, and be lonely.

               Lonely people know what I mean.

               In a world full of acquaintances and faked smiles and meaningless conversations, with television and high speed travel and the internet making the world a smaller place all the time, you'd think it'd be harder to be alone, let alone to be lonely.

               But if you know what it's like to fake that smile and to get up, get dressed, and go about your day like everything's fine, knowing you're fooling everyone because none of them really care enough or know you well enough to recognize the difference, then you know what I mean.

               At the end of the day, your clothes aren't the only thing you shed when you get home. When the doors are closed and your work is done and there's no one else to smile and act brave and pretend for.

               When the mask is shed, and you climb into the shower and turn the water on so no one will see you or hear you when you cry, because the last thing you need right then is to have to muster up the strength to put together one more lie, because if you tell them the truth, either they'll never believe you, or try to tell you all the reasons you have to be thankful.

               Of course you're thankful for the good things in your life. You're just tired of being alone.

               You're tired of having to fake that smile and put on that mask for everyone else, and knowing it's painted on.

               You're tired of always being okay, whether you're okay or not, because you have no other choice.

               Just for once, what you wouldn't give not to feel lonely. Not to feel alone for just one second of your life. Not to be brave or pretend. Not to have to lie just once to the people who profess to know you, who profess to care. Not to know that if you did try to explain how you really felt, they'd try to prescribe you a cure for your emotions, or to tell you to suck it up, that it's normal, and how everyone knows how you feel. That they know how you feel when you know better.

               Some days are more exhausting than others, smiling, faking, pretending. You come away feeling drained after the simplest of conversations, because your mouth is moving, the words come out, and all the while you wonder what the hell your small talk is worth as the seconds of your life are ticked away, knowing you can never get those precious seconds back. And yet you just let them go, figuring that some form of interaction, even a fake one, is better than none at all.