avsongbird vlog #27- just being candid, talking about writing and where...

How it feels- a drabble by avsongbird

It’s so strange for me, to be accepted for my writing, my vlogs, for the vids I’m putting out, and to have people get back to me. I’m not used to being so openly accepted. I’ve always been more or less socially awkward, and I have to laugh—people watch my vlogs and I’ve been told I come across as confident, well spoken.

I’ve always had a decent enough vocabulary- being in love with words and reading and writing the way I always have been, it’s kind of hard at this point not to have a decent enough vocabulary—and I’m annoyingly aware of my tendency to slip into rambling when I’m nervous or scared, or feeling unsure of myself.

If you came across me on the street, and you smiled and tried to pull me into conversation, I’d turn fifty shades of red from the get-go, with my heart tripping over itself and everything else in my chest as I offered you a shy smile and tried to put together something clever or witty to say in return.

Knowing me, I’d end up coming across as eager to please and trying too hard, and all the best comebacks to all your jokes wouldn’t hit me until about an hour or two after we’d parted ways again.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you; it’s not that I don’t enjoy the conversation. On the contrary.

It’s just that I’m not used to it, and working my way into being social and having the blogging and the Youtubing and all the things I’m doing now building my confidence, it’s taking time for me to get my confidence level even to the point it’s at now.

But if you mention writing… books… movies… music… or videogames…? If the conversation steers off into one of my hobbies, I’m good. I could listen or talk for hours about anything and everything, so long as the spotlight stays off of me. I’ve had people I’ve met in my life where I sat up all night, just listening to them talk about themselves, and their lives. I love hearing about other people, and I’ve always loved listening to people.

It’s when the attention and the focus turns to me that I really get really shy, and that includes talk of my stories, my videos, my singing, my work. It’s really taking some adjusting to have people come to me and tell me what they think. And I love it. Doing the blogs and now doing the Youtube, especially now that I’m getting back into video-gaming and I’m having more Youtubers and real let’s players draw me into collaborations and interacting with them, I’m finding a sense of belonging and purpose that I haven’t felt in a long time. And as busy as I am with all of it, I’m loving it.

I feel renewed as I sit here, knowing the running is getting easier again, knowing I’m wearing clothes I haven’t fit into in years, knowing I’m entertaining people and making people smile and laugh, and feel, knowing I’m throwing everything I have into being the best wife, stepmom, writer, blogger, youtuber, sister, daughter, friend that I can be, I feel alive in ways I haven’t in a long damn time.

And it’s a euphoric feeling. There’s no other way to put it. Pure euphoria. 

 http://youtu.be/CIzKB-ONFCQ

"you're not alone"- drabble, trailer by avsongbird

You're not alone

               I want to find other people like me. I want to find the ones who go about their lives like they're normal, like there's nothing special or different about them. The ones who go to work and school and go about their day like they don't have a million different things on their mind.

               I want to find the secret outcasts, the ones who never quite felt like they fit in. The ones who speak more eloquently on paper even on their worst days than they ever do in conversation.

               The ones who curl up with their laptop at night and create infinity with their fingers. The ones who scribble notes onto a napkin in the middle of restaurants. The ones who write hundreds of stories and thousands of pages they're too self-conscious to dream of sharing with anyone else because they're afraid of rejection, of mockery and ridicule.

               The ones who dream of more... of endless possibilities.

               The creators, the dreamers, the thinkers, the wishers, the imaginers.

               The ones who, like me, fall in love with people and places that never existed outside the reality we live in every day.       

               I'd love to find a way to bring them out to play, even if it's within the safe black and white confines of the world wide "why not". I'd love to make them dare to think of "what if". To show them that there are others out there like them, dreaming, writing, painting, singing...

               Creating.

               To show them that they are not alone.

               I want to share my secret worlds with them; I want to share the vision, the dream. I want to reach deep inside them and make them feel. I want to make YOU feel.

               I want the interaction, the passion, the energy. I want to give them a place to come and be inspired to create, to share, to fuel their passions and walk away feeling better.

               I want to show you that it's not as scary as you think it is. Don't get me wrong-- I've always been an introvert. To this day, I'm still shy... at first. But once people get to know me, I'm a royal smart-ass, sarcastic, love to laugh and dance and sing and have fun. I'm a nerd and I love nerd things, and an all around goofball. I'm a card-carrying member of more than a couple of fandoms (and no, if I don't know you personally, I'm not telling you what they are, though as you get to know me, you'll more than likely figure it out at some point haha.)

               The thought of going public, of putting myself out there, my writing, my face, my voice, is one of the scariest things I've ever done in my life. And though I'll admit the video logs and sharing my feelings through my blogs are getting easier as the days pass, as the numbers continue to go up I still feel that stab of nervous fear every time I go to post a video, blog, story, drabble.

               I hope I never lose that feeling, because that feeling keeps me in check. It keeps me humble.

               If you make your way here, and you find yourself feeling better at knowing you're not alone-- that there's other people out there like you, like us-- then I'm glad. That's why I'm here. If my scaring the hell out of myself and putting myself out there makes you feel a little less afraid at the thought of reaching out and finding understanding and a little bit of peace and a sense of belonging, then I'm glad. And I honestly hope you find it in yourself to reach out and let me know if I helped you.

               I know how scary it can be to put yourself out there, your face, your picture, your name, your words. The world's a big place, and I know not everyone out there is as accepting or understanding as we wish they were. And I'm ready for that. At least, I hope I am.

               So I understand if you want to comment on my work, to share your ideas about it and your thoughts and that maybe you feel nervous at the thought of putting it out there for everyone to see. I know that feeling all too well. That's why I understood from the start that making a separate email where any of you could contact me away from the public eye to tell me what you thought or to introduce yourself to me would hopefully make you feel better, safer, and more at ease.

              You're not alone. You never were. And if that thought makes you feel better at knowing it, then I'm glad.