avsongbird vlog #27- just being candid, talking about writing and where...

the runner - an original poem by avsongbird

vlog #24 an invitation to my friends, viewers, readers, followers, and ...

vlog #22 - a late night ramble

Had a really rough day today but I didn't forget about you guys

Got some hard news this afternoon, and it's gonna a couple of days for me to process. I didn't want you guys to think I forgot about posting today, but I wanted to be honest with you about what happened, and where my head was. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLMjkYxXIcQ&feature=youtu.be

How it feels- a drabble by avsongbird

It’s so strange for me, to be accepted for my writing, my vlogs, for the vids I’m putting out, and to have people get back to me. I’m not used to being so openly accepted. I’ve always been more or less socially awkward, and I have to laugh—people watch my vlogs and I’ve been told I come across as confident, well spoken.

I’ve always had a decent enough vocabulary- being in love with words and reading and writing the way I always have been, it’s kind of hard at this point not to have a decent enough vocabulary—and I’m annoyingly aware of my tendency to slip into rambling when I’m nervous or scared, or feeling unsure of myself.

If you came across me on the street, and you smiled and tried to pull me into conversation, I’d turn fifty shades of red from the get-go, with my heart tripping over itself and everything else in my chest as I offered you a shy smile and tried to put together something clever or witty to say in return.

Knowing me, I’d end up coming across as eager to please and trying too hard, and all the best comebacks to all your jokes wouldn’t hit me until about an hour or two after we’d parted ways again.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you; it’s not that I don’t enjoy the conversation. On the contrary.

It’s just that I’m not used to it, and working my way into being social and having the blogging and the Youtubing and all the things I’m doing now building my confidence, it’s taking time for me to get my confidence level even to the point it’s at now.

But if you mention writing… books… movies… music… or videogames…? If the conversation steers off into one of my hobbies, I’m good. I could listen or talk for hours about anything and everything, so long as the spotlight stays off of me. I’ve had people I’ve met in my life where I sat up all night, just listening to them talk about themselves, and their lives. I love hearing about other people, and I’ve always loved listening to people.

It’s when the attention and the focus turns to me that I really get really shy, and that includes talk of my stories, my videos, my singing, my work. It’s really taking some adjusting to have people come to me and tell me what they think. And I love it. Doing the blogs and now doing the Youtube, especially now that I’m getting back into video-gaming and I’m having more Youtubers and real let’s players draw me into collaborations and interacting with them, I’m finding a sense of belonging and purpose that I haven’t felt in a long time. And as busy as I am with all of it, I’m loving it.

I feel renewed as I sit here, knowing the running is getting easier again, knowing I’m wearing clothes I haven’t fit into in years, knowing I’m entertaining people and making people smile and laugh, and feel, knowing I’m throwing everything I have into being the best wife, stepmom, writer, blogger, youtuber, sister, daughter, friend that I can be, I feel alive in ways I haven’t in a long damn time.

And it’s a euphoric feeling. There’s no other way to put it. Pure euphoria. 

 http://youtu.be/CIzKB-ONFCQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HellNKQzIMc&feature=youtu.be

avsongbird vlog#18- the big project

avsongbird vlog # 17- date night! archives! challenged! Camping!

avsongbird vlog #16 frustration, running, new idea, online presence

Nurse! Help! I think I sprained my everything- drabble as read and discussed on my youtube

avsongbird vlog #15- blogging, running, minecrafting!

Different types of writing-- and an epiphany, read audiobook style on my youtube

Different types of writing-- and an epiphany

               I do different types of writing, depending on my mood. There's writing for my stepsons, writing for my family, friends...

               There's writing I do for public viewing...

               ...and then there's the writing I do for myself.

               Sometimes, those lines cross.

               The most prevalent form of this occurrence actually involves a project that began as a simple "this is for me" story that I began when I was in my late teens/early twenties.

               It was a story I started with no intention of ever making it public, just a way to pass the time and dabble around in my head, to see what came of it.

               Over the course of the last ten years (give or take), that short story/idea drabble stuck at the back of my mind, waiting for its time to come around again.

               Earlier this year, I had an epiphany, while I was working on another story (supposedly having nothing to do with the first). This was a story I'd been working on (off and on) for about five years, and like the first, it was a "just for me" story-- one of those I write and fall into and read over and over again for my own enjoyment (I've always thought of it as my personal version of a housewife novel).

               The wheels in my head began to turn as I took a step back to look at the parallels underlying those two stories, and as I began to connect the dots, more possible ideas began to unfold.

               The nights that followed that epiphany were a blur as I fell headlong into the brainstorm that came up as the ideas collided, and out of it came an idea for a new story-- not just the first story I began all those years ago, not the one I've been tinkering on for five years-- but something altogether new, transformed by the colliding and merging of one story with another.

               The lead in both, of course, is a strong female sort, a reluctant participant in the unfolding events of her life. And I won't drop spoilers here, because I'm having way too much fun brainstorming and working out all of the details and putting the events down onto paper to cheapen them by dropping spoilers.

               What I can tell you is that it is a fantasy story, one with epic battle scenes, epic character development, and yes, unfortunately there may be some epic deaths.

               I can tell you that it will involve science fiction, fantasy, romance, angst, heartbreak, love, hate, and betrayal. That it will span not just one lifetime, on one world, but a few lifetimes in a few worlds, and that there will be one central link between each of the lives shown, and each of the worlds.

               I can tell you that the story may turn out to involve even more than a few lifetimes, or a few worlds-- that this may be just the tip of a very large iceberg.

               I can tell you that I make my characters as human as possible-- they make mistakes, they screw up, they have obvious flaws. I set out to make them as real as I can possibly make them, because I want you to feel not just for them, but with them-- I want you to see their world through their eyes. If I haven't done that, then I haven't done enough.

               As I work on these stories-- poring through piles of notes and word documents of notes and ideas and try to make sense of it all, to transform it into the story that's dying to come out, I hope more than anything that the love I've come to feel for these stories, that the passion I have for the lives and the people and the events I put onto paper comes through in the work, and I hope I do it enough justice that when it's finished, you, my readers, will come to love the stories and the characters as much as I do.

Why would anyone read this? No really. lol.

I sat down to write my blog for today and (not for the first time since I considered starting a blog) I found myself asking myself why. Why would I do this? Why did I feel the need to publish my thoughts online for strangers to read? And more than that, why would they read them?

You want to know the truth? It's because it scares me to death. 

All my life I've loved words and what they could do, and I've loved seeing what I could do with them. I've loved sharing them with people and seeing how people reacted to what came out of my head. It was so surreal, to see people laughing or crying or otherwise reacting to what I wrote, on a person to person basis. 

I've written stories for people, I've written poetry and songs for people, and it felt natural at the time, it felt right. I've written stories and poetry and songs WITH other people, and I've laughed more than I thought possible collaborating with others who know what it is to feel driven to write (You know who you are, and you're amazing!). It's amazing, the energy, the vibe you get when you're working with people who share your passion like that. It's incredible. I hope to do much more of it in the future. 

But the thought of sharing such a personal part of me, something that's just me, no censors, no filters, no editors beyond myself, no collaborators, no smoke, no mirrors-- just me and my words left to stand on their own-- with people on a large scale across the digital world is a very scary thought. So the idea of having people beyond my small circle of family and friends read my words scares me half to death. 

But I feel like I have to do this. Because over the years, as I've met more writers, more artists, more people in general throughout the course of my life, I've come to realize something--

I'm not the only one who's afraid of putting myself out there. 

I've met artists with incredible talent and potential-- writers, singers, painters, carpenters among them-- who never felt they were "good enough" or "talented enough" to put themselves out there. That were scared to death of the failure they convinced themselves was inevitable. 

And the thought that maybe if I take that risk, maybe someone, somewhere out there might stumble across my words and think "hey, if she's scared to death, and she's doing it anyway, maybe I can, too."  

Because you can only learn so much from books, from school, from training, and teachers. Eventually, you have to let go of those guard-rails, and you have to step out on your own, with your head held high, and you have to think, "You know what? I've got this." And maybe your risk will pay off, and maybe it won't. But even if you fail, at the end of the day, you can look back and remember the fact that you had the guts to step out in the first place, and realize that even that is more than the people who never took that risk. 

That in taking that risk-- even if you don't get the trophy, even if you fall on your face, or you're laughed and mocked-- was a success that no one can take away from you. 

I know I'm not the best writer on the planet, not by a long shot, and I'd never claim to be. All I can do is put out the best work I can, and hope it finds the people it was meant to find, and that it entertains them as it's always entertained me. 

That's why the blog. That's why I'm facing my fear. Because my desire to share my passion with others and to entertain them and maybe help them to face their fears or even to just enjoy my work and forget their problems for awhile far outweighs my fear of failure, of mockery. 

Because even making one person smile or laugh or to not feel down or alone with my work, is enough to make it worth it for me to do this.