weight loss vlog #8 - Guess what! great news!

weight loss updates- getting there!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Zb6XwaHoic

introductory vlog-- the countdown to my Christmas weight loss goal- bring on the 8s!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLwGMyWYAh4

avsongbird vlog #21 challenging myself and upcoming events

How it feels- a drabble by avsongbird

It’s so strange for me, to be accepted for my writing, my vlogs, for the vids I’m putting out, and to have people get back to me. I’m not used to being so openly accepted. I’ve always been more or less socially awkward, and I have to laugh—people watch my vlogs and I’ve been told I come across as confident, well spoken.

I’ve always had a decent enough vocabulary- being in love with words and reading and writing the way I always have been, it’s kind of hard at this point not to have a decent enough vocabulary—and I’m annoyingly aware of my tendency to slip into rambling when I’m nervous or scared, or feeling unsure of myself.

If you came across me on the street, and you smiled and tried to pull me into conversation, I’d turn fifty shades of red from the get-go, with my heart tripping over itself and everything else in my chest as I offered you a shy smile and tried to put together something clever or witty to say in return.

Knowing me, I’d end up coming across as eager to please and trying too hard, and all the best comebacks to all your jokes wouldn’t hit me until about an hour or two after we’d parted ways again.

It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you; it’s not that I don’t enjoy the conversation. On the contrary.

It’s just that I’m not used to it, and working my way into being social and having the blogging and the Youtubing and all the things I’m doing now building my confidence, it’s taking time for me to get my confidence level even to the point it’s at now.

But if you mention writing… books… movies… music… or videogames…? If the conversation steers off into one of my hobbies, I’m good. I could listen or talk for hours about anything and everything, so long as the spotlight stays off of me. I’ve had people I’ve met in my life where I sat up all night, just listening to them talk about themselves, and their lives. I love hearing about other people, and I’ve always loved listening to people.

It’s when the attention and the focus turns to me that I really get really shy, and that includes talk of my stories, my videos, my singing, my work. It’s really taking some adjusting to have people come to me and tell me what they think. And I love it. Doing the blogs and now doing the Youtube, especially now that I’m getting back into video-gaming and I’m having more Youtubers and real let’s players draw me into collaborations and interacting with them, I’m finding a sense of belonging and purpose that I haven’t felt in a long time. And as busy as I am with all of it, I’m loving it.

I feel renewed as I sit here, knowing the running is getting easier again, knowing I’m wearing clothes I haven’t fit into in years, knowing I’m entertaining people and making people smile and laugh, and feel, knowing I’m throwing everything I have into being the best wife, stepmom, writer, blogger, youtuber, sister, daughter, friend that I can be, I feel alive in ways I haven’t in a long damn time.

And it’s a euphoric feeling. There’s no other way to put it. Pure euphoria. 

 http://youtu.be/CIzKB-ONFCQ

For those of you who want to write or vlog

            I'm not going to lie and say it's easy to record and post some of the things I post, especially the one vlog where I broke down and cried-- that one was especially hard. It was hard to film, hard to play back and even harder to post it, knowing others might see it. But I knew I had to do it, no matter how hard it was for me to do so at the time. I wanted people to see me as a human being, and to know how much it means to me that they allow me to share my work with them. I love the people I'm meeting who are getting back to me. It's the most incredible experience I've ever had. And human emotions aren't always safe, they aren't always bright and shiny and sparkly and politically correct. But they're real, they're normal, they're healthy.

If you want to write, you should. I still go back to pen and paper sometimes because I love the feeling of the pen in my hand, and when I need to keep up with my head, I go to the computer. And sometimes it's just typing whatever comes into your mind that kicks your brain into gear. Give it a shot! Because trust me, you never know what you're capable of coming up with until you do it! And you don't have to do it for anyone but you. Writing is the most amazing therapy, it really is. Even if no one else ever reads it, do it for your sake first! Make yourself laugh, make yourself cry, and rage. Let yourself vent. Let yourself FEEL. You'll feel much better afterwards, after you get through the drained part after going through the storm that comes along with it. Trust me, I've been through the wringer sometimes for the sake of a good story. And if you ever need support with it, you know where to find me :-)

Lessons learned

If there’s one lesson I’ve learned more than anything else in my life,

It’s that happiness is something worth fighting and struggling for.

I've known intense pain so I seek pleasure.

I've known hatred so I seek to love and be loved.

I've known grief, despair, loss

so I strive for and celebrate happiness

Wherever and whenever I find it.

With every lesson learned,

Every hardship faced,

I find myself coming closer and closer

to the peace and the happiness I've always wanted

in my life.

And I'm grateful every day that my husband and my stepsons

and my friends and now my readers, viewers, followers,

are a part of that journey.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjae1ZveiHw&feature=youtu.be

taking control of my life

               This last May, I woke up and decided out of the blue that I was going to turn my life around. No one pushed me, no one coached me, no one dragged me out of bed kicking and screaming and staged any sort of intervention.

               I made the decision that I didn’t like the direction in which I was headed. Or, more correctly, the lack of direction that my life seemed to have.

               So I decided to change. And ironically, the steps I decided to take, and the actions I took on in the following days, weeks, months, have started me along a road that proved not to be changing me into a new person altogether, but helping me along the path to becoming the person I once was, before my proverbial train derailed and went careening down into a ravine.

               Taking control over your life and deciding to take better care of yourself can start out seeming hopeless, as you find yourself facing opposition from the people in your life who’ve grown accustomed to the person you’ve become. Some of them might have become comfortable with the fact of knowing that they have you under their thumb, precisely where they want you, and they may not want you to pick yourself up and to decide that your life is yours to live all the time, instead of whenever and however the people in your life will allow you to live it.

               I’ve been a caring and a giving person all my life, which unfortunately has led to me being used throughout the course of my life by people who saw my giving and caring nature as a reason to use and abuse me in whatever ways they saw fit, and trust me, learning to say no and to make myself unavailable to those who would use and abuse me has not been an easy task—I’ve come to care for some of those people a great deal over the years. The idea of saying goodbye to some of them breaks my heart, but at the same time, those in your life who only remember you’re alive whenever they need or want something, and who ignore you the rest of the time, are not good people to have in your life. They’re physically and mentally exhausting, physically and psychologically draining people, and if you don’t stand up for yourself every once in a while and realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, you will find yourself being treated as a doormat by these people. And if you truly meant something to them, they would not treat you that way.

               Taking control of your life takes time, and as I said, you’re facing opposition—not just from other people and outside influences, but from yourself.

               I used to run every day, a couple of hours a day (I took days off every week, don’t worry. I was driven, focused, not pathological). When my train derailed I spent years trying to figure out who I was, and I fell into a much more sedentary lifestyle.

               Trying to get back into that rigorous training schedule was a nightmare at first—between finding the time, and the sore and aching muscles (Oh my God I thought my legs were going to fall the hell off, and part of me lay there on the tile beside the treadmill and wished they would have on more than one occasion), and your mind telling yourself you’re fighting a losing battle, there were times I wanted to quit, but I didn’t.

               Throughout my life, whenever I saw something I truly wanted, I went for it, and I’ve been called things in my life, but a quitter has never been one of them. When I have a goal in mind, I go for it, and I’m all in.

               Now, I’m three months into this new, unmapped phase in my life, and 13 lbs. lighter than I started, down a couple of pants sizes, and my blog and my youtube are humming along at a comfortable pace. My husband’s thrilled to death to see me working with a goal in mind, and I couldn’t even begin to describe how good it feels for me to know that I’m working towards something again.

               With the people watching my videos, reading my blogs, the people that are beginning to interact with me and who are starting to recognize me as a writer—as a new youtuber and a supportive friend-- I find myself waking up each and every day with new ideas for directions in which I can take my blogs, my youtube channel, my writing, my life! And I’m loving every single minute of it.

               I’m writing with renewed enthusiasm and vigor, and as my writing and my running and my home and family life are falling back into place, each and every aspect of my life is falling into place, and I have to admit, I’m feeling more and more proud and more and more confident as a writer, as a wife, a stepmom, as a woman, and a person as the days pass.

And I’m loving the hell out of it. I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner. And it’s been far longer than I’m ashamed to remember since I last felt that way about the direction in which my life was going.

               If your life has gone off the rails, as mine did, if you find yourself playing the doormat, the way I have, and you’ve wished someone would come along and get you to change, if you’ve wanted to change yourself, do it. Don’t waste another damned day waiting for outside help. You are all the reason and the inspiration you need, because every day spent as a doormat for those who don’t give a damn, every day spent not achieving your goals, your dreams, is a day wasted.

               And it’s a day you will never get back.

               So let this be the last day you wish you could change your life.

               Then tomorrow, get out there and do it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gQqo6s1ZyA&feature=youtu.be

"owning up and being yourself"- a drabble by avsongbird- includes vlog of reading from my youtube channel

               It’s so easy to say that the circumstances that are your life were NOT your fault—that where you are and what you are, are simply the product of others. It’s hard to stand up straight and strong, steeling your spine against those who would judge you, and to say “Yes, I made those decisions, and I made those mistakes, and I am the reason that I screwed up.”

               Hard, yes, but necessary in the path to growing up.

               I know that for a long time I was guilty of passing the buck to others. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t my fault—that I was as I was because of genetics, because of my sheltered upbringing, or because I wasn’t allowed to do otherwise.

               The truth was—I liked where I was. I was loved, I was sheltered, I was safe, and that sanctuary was always a strongpoint for me. It is all at once my springboard and my safe-haven—the place I always start from and come back to, my alpha and omega.

               Genetics? My line is a line of strong men and women, all of which I am proud to call my ancestry, and of which I am proud to be a descendent. Whatever problems I ever claimed to have with my genetics was simply a cop-out—a scape-goat- a way for me to explain away those times when I raged, when I felt weak.

               The weakness was never in them—in the ones who came before-- it was in me that it resided, and always has been.

               Do you want to know the truth? The honest, complete, black-and-white truth?

               I was afraid, though I would never admit it.

               I was always afraid that I would not be accepted for who I was, loved for who I was. I spent most of my life working as hard as I could to please people, to bend and twist myself into what I believed they wanted me to be. And I was losing myself continuously in the process.

               How can you ever hope to find who you truly are if you do that? The simple fact is, I couldn’t. The fact is—you have to free yourself to be who you ARE, and be true to your nature, in order to find real happiness in this world. Otherwise, no one can ever really know you, or touch you, or hope to really connect with you any deeper than your inner walls allow.

               That can lead to a solitary life. Believe me—I know. I kept myself isolated for a long time—a prisoner in my own mind, and I do not recommend it to anyone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwBTgf3cjV4

Nurse! Help! I think I sprained my everything- drabble as read and discussed on my youtube

"Nurse! Help! I think I sprained my everything!"

"Nurse! Help! I think I sprained my everything!"

               One of the things I've decided to devote myself to, in my course to get back to finding myself again, is getting back into my running training. And I'm not gonna lie to you. After taking the last few years off, learning how to be a wife and a stepmom and getting into the swing of things and how busy my life is now? Getting back into running after so many years without it is pure hell. When I pulled that treadmill out early this week and hopped up on it, turned a show on (seriously, if there's any show out there that will make you feel guilty sitting on your ass eating popcorn while watching it, it's "the Walking Dead".), and I turned that treadmill on and power-walked ten miles? I thought my legs were going to fall the hell off.

               Coming down after such a long run, having a pick me up wind-down snack after burning so many calories, my eyelids drooping, I heard voices in my head as I lay there. Voices telling me I was too old for this crap, that I was too far out of practice and shape for this crap, that I'm a wife now, a mom now, that I don't have to worry about this kind of crap. And with my legs aching and every bit of me feeling like it weighed a million pounds-- feeling weak-- my hair soaking wet, my body drenched in sweat, the smallest part of my brain might have believed it. But then I reminded myself that I'd just gone ten miles, even after so many years off. And that yeah, I was tired (let's be honest, I was beyond tired), and I knew I'd be sore the next day (Oh God, so unbelievably sore haha), but I'd done it. No one else had coached me, no one else nagged me. I did it, on my own, because I wanted to do it.

               And I slept better that night than I had in years. Which, as a chronic insomniac, meant a hell of a lot to me. I woke up in the morning feeling incredible. Sore as hell, in need of ice packs and wanting to put my feet up, but I felt accomplished. And yeah, it was only ten miles, but it was something. And even a little something is far better than nothing.

               That night, I queued up the blu ray again, and I was back up on the treadmill again, telling myself I'd walk another ten miles. Not running, not out to give myself a heart attack or asthma attack, just walking, decent conversational-type pace, and see how I felt (At my size, there's no way in hell I'm gonna hop up there and start running. I'm driven, goal-oriented, not crazy.)

               I got so caught up in what I was watching that after awhile, I stopped watching the digital readout on my treadmill, and when I found myself looking down, I was surprised when I realized how far I'd walked without realizing it. The ten miles I'd done the previous night felt like nothing now as I stood there, staring down at those numbers, still walking, and yeah, I was sweating from the pace I'd kept, yeah I power-walked the whole way, but I knew I wasn't done yet.

               I went another mile that night before I stopped. And it felt good. It felt like progress.

               I've been at it for over a week now, just power-walking, not trying to outdo Olympians or professional athletes, just going by how I feel and making sure I don't push too hard. I'm in it for the long haul. If I overdo it, looking for the quick fix, and I hurt myself, I won't be doing myself any favors.

               I've lost weight already this week, and my pants are getting looser. And I'm sleeping better than I've slept in years. And yes, it means less time at the keyboard, working on my writing, and it means getting even more creative with my scheduling between looking after my family, my household, my pets, sleeping, writing, running, blogging and youtubing, but as I find myself now beginning to find balance between all the aspects of my life, and as I find myself recovering more of who I am now, I find myself finding peace more and more easily in each and every aspect of my life, which in turn lends peace and balance in all the other aspects of my life in ways that I haven't found in a very long time.

               It feels good. It feels like control, empowerment, accomplishment. It feels like cresting that damnable mountain and picking up speed as I find myself coming down the other side.

               And damn, does it feel good. 

Why would anyone read this No really lol

Keep moving forward- a drabble by avsongbird

"Breathe in" - original song by avsongbird

Some don't get it, and some never will.

            It's hard when the people in your life don't get it. When they see you throwing yourself headlong into something you're passionate about, and they flat out don't get it. They see the hours you put in (some of them), they see your work (some of it), your passion, and they turn and go about their day like they didn't see it. Like it didn't matter.
            And it's not that they're selfish, it's not that they don't care about you. You may be a vital part of their life.
            They just don't get it.
            They don't look at whatever it is your working on and see it the way you see it-- not just for what it is or what it will or won't be, but for what it could be, for the sheer possibility of what your work and your time and dedication and effort and passion could bring into your life.
            Maybe you'll make it, maybe you won't, but as long as you find yourself pursuing your passion-- following that star that only you can see-- there will always be people in your life that flat out won't get what you're doing, and every time you try to explain it to them they'll sit there and their eyes may glaze over or they may look at you like you have a third eye.
            Or like there's something they'd rather be doing than listening to you talk at any sort of length about whatever it is you're passionate about.
            And that's okay. Because there are people out there who will get it, and if you push long enough, hard enough, far enough, you may find those people, and suddenly you'll be glad for all those times you kept pushing even when you were the only person in your life who did "get it".
            And for all those times you ignored the voices of the people who never will.

Keep moving forward

It's incredible when you take the leap of faith and start putting yourself out there, and you find yourself meeting people from all over-- people who came across whatever work it was you put out there, whether it's a song, a poem, a story, a painting, a sculpture, any form of work of art or form of expression you chose to share.
I can think of no more suitable word than the word incredible for such a feeling as I find myself in that position. Here I am, just a housewife, a thirty-something nobody from the middle of nowhere posting whatever comes to mind, and I've met the most interesting people over the course of the last month or so-- some of them writers, poets, readers. Some of them would-be bloggers, people who wanted to put their work out there in some form, but were nervous about the thought of taking that one big step that would put them in the public eye.
I tell them the same thing I told myself a little over a month ago-- "Don't ask yourself why, because you'll find a million reasons why you shouldn't do it. Ask yourself 'why the hell not'?"
Dare to be yourself in this life, dare yourself to push yourself to the next level, to always be reaching, striving, pushing!
Don't talk yourself out of it or logic yourself out of it, because you'll cheat yourself out of incredible things-- things you couldn't even dream of.
Sitting here now, knowing how I feel as I read through my emails, my texts, my tweets, my facebook, reading notes and emails and comments from the people I've always known in my life, reading others from people I've never met (some I've talked to in one form or another, others I look forward to talking to)-- I'll never forget that feeling. It's a feeling I never thought I'd know in my life. Because however often I dreamed of sharing my writing with others, of putting myself out there and finding acceptance, of finding people who enjoyed what I do, I always found myself talking myself out of it-- telling myself I was a nobody from nowhere, that there was no way anyone would ever want to read anything that came out of my head.
I was having a conversation with someone tonight, a friend of mine from the past who just recently got back in touch with me, and we got talking about blogging, and what inspires us.
She told me she enjoys talking with me, and she said I was a "fountain of inspiration".
I almost cried when I read it. All my life, I've found inspiration everywhere-- in everything and everyone I've ever met. I've always hoped I would inspire other people, and I've always tried to do whatever I could to help others.
Hearing from someone that I inspire them? That touched me deeply, because it's something I've always wanted to do.
Sitting here a little over a month into the next phase in my life, hopefully the first phase in my life as a writer, I'm grateful for the past month-- for the nerves, and the fears I've come across, for the people I've met, and the friends I'm making, for the creative and inspiring and positive people I'm now coming into contact with in the knowledge that none of any of this would have been possible if I hadn't taken that first step on my own.
Have you taken yours? Don't ask yourself why you shouldn't take it, because you'll find a million reasons why you shouldn't take it, and you'll think of the people who are going to laugh at you, who will ridicule and mock you, who will hold their breath waiting for you to fail, and who may laugh if you do.
Don't tell yourself you're no one from nowhere, that your opinions and your talents don't matter, that no one will ever find merit in them. Because the truth is? You don't know that.
There may be someone out there somewhere who's sitting there, just like you-- who feels as you feel, who dreams as you dream, who fears just as you fear.
And they may be waiting for your influence, for your bravery, to inspire them.
Don't ask yourself why you should do it. Ask yourself "Why the hell not?"
And take that step.